


Sakabatou

by Siriusfan13



Category: Rurouni Kenshin
Genre: Angst, Gen, acquiring the sakabatou, introspective, wandering years
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:01:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25643224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Siriusfan13/pseuds/Siriusfan13
Summary: After Toba Fushimi, a damaged assassin is given a sword. How long can a no-kill oath last when the man carrying the blade is even deadlier than his weapon? Please R&R!
Kudos: 3





	Sakabatou

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Per the usual, I don't own anything Ruroken. So sorry to disappoint.

**Sakabatou**

He had been walking far longer than he'd ever dreamed he would, and he had no idea where he was. He would have liked to say that his first plan had been to walk to Hokkaido. That there was some logical reason why this plan had changed. Only he couldn't honestly say that. In saying that he would imply that he'd _had_ a plan to begin with. And he'd had nothing. Was nothing.

He walked the empty path, oblivious to the world around him. Ignoring the sounds of birds chirping. The soft, early morning sun. The slightly cool air blowing against his face. He'd been traveling north, and his body was starting to feel the change in temperature. His mind felt nothing. It was numb.

It had started with the simple act of leaving his daisho with Katsura. Politely thanking his commander for allowing him to serve. Waiting for Katsura's slight bow of the head. And then silently standing and leaving. Never looking back.

There had been no plan from there. He had left more than just his swords with Choshu. He had left a part of himself, just as he had long before when he'd departed from his shishou. He was starting to feel like he left parts of himself everywhere he went.

He knew for certain that he'd left his heart in Otsu.

He forced those thoughts from his mind, running his fingers over the tsuba of his new sword. His gift from Shakku, who'd thought him a fool. The sword that doesn't kill. It had almost been a joke to him, when Shakku had referred to it as such. "A sakabatou. Let's see how long you last with a useless sword that won't kill and a childish vow."

Kenshin had been forced to swallow his pride and not announce that he could kill just as easily with this sword as with his others. They both knew that Kenshin could kill with a pair of chopsticks if he wanted to. But that wasn't the point, and they both knew it. Shakku had given him a sword that matched his oath. The question wasn't whether or not Kenshin could use it to kill in order to save his body in a fight. The real question was could he refrain from killing with it and save his soul?

Kenshin was fairly certain he knew what Shakku believed was the answer to that question.

He'd come close to returning it for that very reason. He hadn't wanted another sword. He had promised Tomoe that he wouldn't die by the sword, but he felt as though he should no longer live by it either. A sword in his hand… It would just trigger more death. He didn't trust himself.

 _I could too easily kill with this._ Again, his fingers ran over the tsuka. _I am just as deadly. I can't hide who I am. Once a hitokiri, always a hitokiri._

He winced, pained. _I'm damned._

His hand dropped to his side, and he avoided touching the hated sword again.

 _And what is the point of even_ carrying _it? The point of a sword is to kill. Swordsmanship is the art of killing. I_ know _that. Shakku certainly knows it. If I'm not to kill, then I shouldn't have a sword…_

 _But really, if I wanted to kill, the weapon wouldn't make much difference._ He looked dully around him, actually seeing the trees for the first time. Taking in his surroundings. _If I depended only on my sword, I would never have lived through bakumatsu. The Shinsengumi would have defeated me long ago. It's foolish to only know one way to kill…_

His mind drifted.

* * *

_Blood was all around him. He had defended as many of the men as he could, before the unit leader approached. Saito Hajime…_

_Calmly, the tall warrior had shouted to his unit. Motioned for them to follow the shishi. Their deadly dance began almost immediately. They were very nearly an even match. It had been a long time since a fight had been work. It had almost been refreshing to receive a shallow wound to his side. To know that this would be an even exchange of blood and steel._

_To know that a death on either side would be honorable._

_Another surge of motion and Saito's blade clattered across the street. He'd lost his advantage. The fight was over._

_Only it wasn't. His sheath also made an excellent weapon._ Anything _made an excellent weapon when you were fighting to survive…_

* * *

He clenched his fist so tightly that the nails of his right hand bit into his palm, drawing blood. Trying to banish the images dancing before his mind's eye. _Stop. I have to stop this…_ He paused, allowing the red pain behind his eyes to pass. At least he'd pulled out from the memory. It had to have been over a month since he'd begun walking, and in that time, the flashbacks had come with less frequency. But they still came. And the only way to end them quickly was to give himself some _real_ pain to think on.

He dropped his throbbing hand back down to his side, and stared with exhaustion down at the road. This had been going on for too long. Flashbacks. Paranoia. Occasionally he struggled to even separate the reality before him from his waking nightmares, reacting erratically until something forced him to snap out of it. So far he'd been lucky it never happened around other people.

Because of this, he avoided everyone.

He knew what happened to most hitokiri. Everyone knew. And it had been made very clear that if he remained to the very end of the war, and even a mote of instability were found in him, Satsuma would act, and Choshu would, like it or not, follow. Kenshin had understood. He wouldn't have held Katsura responsible for the decision.

He had heard stories of others…

One who had gone so mad, he'd been put down like a dog. Another whose instability had actually cost the lives of three other men on his own side. And yet another who had disappeared entirely. This one an ex-Shinsengumi who, for a short time, had changed sides and fought with the shishi before killing a number of men for no apparent reason other than to watch them bleed.

 _That_ was the fate of a hitokiri. Madness. Bloodlust. Death.

Why had he expected anything different of himself?

He could only fight it for so long. And he was certain that these flashbacks were only the beginning. Only an early stage of madness. He would kill again if the opportunity arose. He had never enjoyed the killing, but the others couldn't have enjoyed it either. Who could?

He absently brushed the drying blood from his palm against his hakama.

Himura Kenshin was going mad. And Shakku had given him a sword.

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Note: So, don't get too excited. This is fic has never been posted before, so I suppose in that way it's "new." However, I'm not quite writing new things yet. I was sifting through my docs, looking for notes for a different fic, which I am actually planning on updating (gasp! shock!-I'll leave which one it is as a surprise), and I stumbled upon this story. It had already been written ten years ago (I'm not joking... I wrote it in April of 2010) and beta'd (a big thank you for your beta work, sueb262!). It just needed a final edit. I have no idea why I never posted it. I recall going through a rough patch at that time. Perhaps it just fell through the cracks.
> 
> Anyway, here it is edited and ready to go. Apologies if it's rough. Other than the Crossroads updates in December and January, I've written nothing Ruroken in years. Even my editing is rusty now.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this. I believe it was meant to be a chapter story about the wandering years when I first created it, but for now I'm going to post it as a one-shot of Kenshin beginning his wandering. If I feel motivated, I'll add to it. We'll see how it goes. I figure I have enough actual chapter stories that I haven't given attention to for many years. Maybe I should work on those before I start messing with more chapters to this.
> 
> I believe that's everything. Thanks for your patience with this long author's note on such a short story. I hope you enjoyed this. If you did, please review. Thanks!
> 
> Dewa mata!
> 
> Sincerely,
> 
> Sirius


End file.
